This is not a weepy, teenage-angst diatribe.
It's a story of a small and personal treasure.
A little victory that I hold very dear.
When I was a teenager, actually even earlier if I'm totally honest, I was a depressed little monkey. No particular reason, most likely a chemical imbalance that eventually was righted, either through change in perspective or a subtle growth. In my early teens, though, alt-rock of the mid 90's was a life saver. Those melodramatic lyrics and self-involved perspectives were exactly the thing my egocentric mind needed to fuel itself and survive the day. Chief among my love of guitar music were the Smashing Pumpkins. Say what you will about them, but when you're 14 years old Billy Corgan's nasal whine and bleating melodies spoke volumes. Even as I edge closer and closer to 30 I still hold a special place in my heart for their over-the-top theatrics. In fact, Siamese Dream still holds the number one spot in my secret list of lists, my favorite album of all time, hipster irony and all.
But I digress.
The real tale that I want to impart involves little secrets. A hidden thing. Their magnum opus and career high-water mark, Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness, was a sprawling, 14 track, 2 CD affair. Not only was that THE release of 1995, but they immediately followed it with a massive compilation of B-sides, The Aeroplane Flies High. I remember how rad it was when I opened it Xmas morning, 45-style case and all. In the box set was the Zero Ep, on which the last track was a whopping 23 minute compilation of just about every idea Billy Corgan put to tape between Siamese Dream and Mellon Collie.
So to break that down: during the Mellon Collie period of output we had 14 official tracks, 28 more on b-sides and to top it off the 23 minute long Pastichio Medley. Either complete and total self indulgence or a band at it's creative zenith. I still believe its the latter.
In the Medley, between 8:46 and 9:03, not even a span of twenty consecutive seconds, was a song that absolutely broke my heart. I still can't place exactly what it is to this day, but it was a small snippet of a song simply labeled 'Depresso', just a bit of melody over a repeated new wavy riff that spoke to some part of me deep down inside. I loved this song and it broke my heart to know that I would never hear it in its entirety. It was to forever be a fragment, a half-completed thing that would never matter to anyone else like it did to me. Nineteen completely obscure seconds of time that, as far as I was concerned, Billy recorded for me and only me. As much as it frustrated me I had to accept that I would never hear the entire piece. It was beautiful! And it wasn't even deemed B-side worthy in their eyes. So I accepted it and went on with my life.
10 years go by.
I'm surfing the internet, this very same internet that brought you here today! I remember that song and the feeling it created.
I start doing a little digging on Smashing Pumpkins fan-sites and bootleg listings. Lo and behold, the Mellon Collie demos were hosted online. Not just official things, EVERYTHING. It took a bit of research to break down times and match titles, but I did it.
I found it.
The whole song.
It was, as much as I can gather, never really completed. There are no vocals. But 10 years after I accepted the loss of something wonderful, I was able to download it and fill in the missing pieces. Thank you, internet.
Thank you, Billy.
Sometimes we can win.
It's a story of a small and personal treasure.
A little victory that I hold very dear.
When I was a teenager, actually even earlier if I'm totally honest, I was a depressed little monkey. No particular reason, most likely a chemical imbalance that eventually was righted, either through change in perspective or a subtle growth. In my early teens, though, alt-rock of the mid 90's was a life saver. Those melodramatic lyrics and self-involved perspectives were exactly the thing my egocentric mind needed to fuel itself and survive the day. Chief among my love of guitar music were the Smashing Pumpkins. Say what you will about them, but when you're 14 years old Billy Corgan's nasal whine and bleating melodies spoke volumes. Even as I edge closer and closer to 30 I still hold a special place in my heart for their over-the-top theatrics. In fact, Siamese Dream still holds the number one spot in my secret list of lists, my favorite album of all time, hipster irony and all.
But I digress.
The real tale that I want to impart involves little secrets. A hidden thing. Their magnum opus and career high-water mark, Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness, was a sprawling, 14 track, 2 CD affair. Not only was that THE release of 1995, but they immediately followed it with a massive compilation of B-sides, The Aeroplane Flies High. I remember how rad it was when I opened it Xmas morning, 45-style case and all. In the box set was the Zero Ep, on which the last track was a whopping 23 minute compilation of just about every idea Billy Corgan put to tape between Siamese Dream and Mellon Collie.
So to break that down: during the Mellon Collie period of output we had 14 official tracks, 28 more on b-sides and to top it off the 23 minute long Pastichio Medley. Either complete and total self indulgence or a band at it's creative zenith. I still believe its the latter.
In the Medley, between 8:46 and 9:03, not even a span of twenty consecutive seconds, was a song that absolutely broke my heart. I still can't place exactly what it is to this day, but it was a small snippet of a song simply labeled 'Depresso', just a bit of melody over a repeated new wavy riff that spoke to some part of me deep down inside. I loved this song and it broke my heart to know that I would never hear it in its entirety. It was to forever be a fragment, a half-completed thing that would never matter to anyone else like it did to me. Nineteen completely obscure seconds of time that, as far as I was concerned, Billy recorded for me and only me. As much as it frustrated me I had to accept that I would never hear the entire piece. It was beautiful! And it wasn't even deemed B-side worthy in their eyes. So I accepted it and went on with my life.
10 years go by.
I'm surfing the internet, this very same internet that brought you here today! I remember that song and the feeling it created.
I start doing a little digging on Smashing Pumpkins fan-sites and bootleg listings. Lo and behold, the Mellon Collie demos were hosted online. Not just official things, EVERYTHING. It took a bit of research to break down times and match titles, but I did it.
I found it.
The whole song.
It was, as much as I can gather, never really completed. There are no vocals. But 10 years after I accepted the loss of something wonderful, I was able to download it and fill in the missing pieces. Thank you, internet.
Thank you, Billy.
Sometimes we can win.
